Haven’t written anything in a very very long time. Inspiration is out of stock. And I come across this new prompt. Still am out of inspiration. Desperate times kick in. My standard mantra: Cheat. And today’s scape goat is The Pale King. Give it up for David F. Wallace’s Annoying Boy. And those who haven’t read the book, no worries because the post has nothing to do with it.
Oh and I am going list-y with how-to-know-it-when-you-see-that-annoying-kid-who-lives-round-the-corner list.
Point 1: He dons the bright-orange bandolier and shepherds the lower grades’ kids through the crosswalk outside the school. Here you imagine a short chubby brown haired kid wearing all that and a blue cap.
Point 2: He carries the happy-face sandwich board, which he made himself. He walks on the street, blocking the way of autos (ya, cars) with that disgusting disgusting extra-big smile and tosses some words of good cheer to car drivers.
Point 3: In an accident he hurts himself but is nice to the lady whose car had caused the accident. By the way he decorates his own cast alone. He gets some pity from me there. And lastly, the annoying little angel donates his crutches to some hospital even before the six weeks prescribed by his doctors end.
I know I don’t seem to be in the right state of mind to hate such a precious little boy. Despise me for being all human and jealous!
Point 4: He writes about this accident through a nine-draft process and then enters a competition with this write-up. Loses it. AND then he sincerely doesn’t harbor any hard feelings against the actual winner of the competition.
HOW ON EARTH? Well, if you are exclaiming like me, I am either making sense to you or the “How on Earth” was about this post.
(Have you reached this point? Wow, that’s a feat in itself)
Now this kid actually declines his father’s offer to visit Dairy Queen and instead decides to donate that much money to UNICEF. Isn’t that annoying enough to blog about??? Or to not blog about?
Agh, as I said – Desperate times have kicked in.
Point 6: After a day full of miscellaneous activities, he also makes time for being ahead on credits. I think he has a mutated pet rat (hidden in his blue cap, you know like in the movie Ratatouille) to do this part.
Point 7: He answers in class BUT only if he is sure that’s the correct answer. REALLY? And then at the end of the class he goes and asks the concerned teacher if his answers were complete and helpful and if he can make them any better. OH COME ON.
No teacher EVER expects that to happen. The valid explanation here is that the kid is from the planet next to Krypton.
I know Earthly human kids his age. They are devils, just dumb insensitive little devils (I don’t agree with this statement on the sober hours of my day).
Point 8: He knows the telephone company’s number and emergency helpline numbers. I DON’T KNOW THEM!. Which does justify why I have such a beef with this non-existent kid.
Point 9: He knows Calligraphy, Origami and can draw freehand sketches of local flora and can whistle all six of Telemann’s Nouveaux Quatuors as well as can imitate just any birdcall.
Really? The fact that these ‘skills’ exist is news to me. This guy defines this new level above awesomeness (which is 3 levels above mediocrity).
Point 10: And then some bullies beat the shit out of him in school. What does he do? He stays shut and then writes the bullies letters inviting them to a round-table meeting to settle their ‘differences’. This not only proves that the kid is from another planet but also that he thinks he is the president of United States.
So what did we learn today?
We learned that the next time you see some over-achieving smart ass who is comparable to this kid, you know he is not human. Believe me, works like magic in making yourself feel better about self.
Disclaimer/ Clarifier: Above is a caused by midnight madness. But all the lameness is purely intended.